


Of Rust and Ruin

by TeaFiend



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben making more Bad Decisions, Bendemption, Eventual Smut, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rey Needs A Hug, Romance, Slow Burn, Space idiots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-19
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-10-31 08:16:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17845766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeaFiend/pseuds/TeaFiend
Summary: Rey's only qualm with the gift of Ben Solo encased in carbonite is the fact he's still wearing clothes. But one can't look a gift horse in the mouth.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I blame you lot at the Reylo Writing Den for this. All day every day.
> 
> My awesome beta/Wonder Woman is [MyJediLife](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife)

_One year after the Battle of Crait._

 

Mila spaceport was unlike anything Rey had ever seen. It wasn't a spaceport exactly - it had been once, Leia had told her - but now it was a compacted city of long abandoned ships of all kinds, gutted, rusted and twisted like the bones of a great beast long since dead.

In all, it made Rey feel uneasy to even fly over it.

She pressed her forehead against the port window, letting her eyes drift shut. The coolness of the glass was soothing, an excellent balm for her throbbing head.

Behind her, the door slid open. Finn. Rey knew those footsteps very well by now, having heard them enough times during the past year. Finn had a uniformed walk, no doubt a remnant of his Stormtrooper days. The rest of the Resistance were much lighter footed.

Finn's hand brushed her shoulder. “What's wrong? Your head again?” There was fear in his voice. She did her best to ignore it.

Rey opened her eyes, staring out once more at the rusty kingdom below. “I don't know,” she answered truthfully. “It's not as bad as before. It's just a pressure now at the back of my mind, like a river desperate to burst through.”

“Like a dam?”

“Yeah, that.” The pain had started three months after Crait, tearing her from her sleep with an agonised scream on her lips. It had felt like her very soul was being torn out, a deep and terrible pain that petrified her. No one could find the cause for their little Jedi's affliction or figure out a way to stem them at night. They came near every day one month, reducing Rey to a shell of herself, tucked away in her quarters desperately fighting back tears and often failing.

Then, quite abruptly just a month ago, it had all ended. The episodes of debilitating pain vanished. Oh, she still didn't sleep so well, but it wasn't pain that dragged her awake now. Just those same, recurring nightmares that she knew well by now. They were old hurts, tangled with newer ones.

Perhaps it was him causing them. Ben. Kylo. Rey still wasn't sure which one she called him - or wanted to. It was entirely cruel of him if so. But then, he was a cruel man at times. She'd felt him a few times through the wavering string of the bond they shared; flashes of intense rage and an overwhelming hurt that Rey desperately tried to ignore. It was hard. But she didn't dare test that dividing line, frightened of where it might end up leading. What else she might feel. But even that tapered away into nothing shortly before the regular bouts of pain. Leaving her alone once more.  

Alone. Rey found it almost comical; how _could_ she be alone when she was surrounded by all these people? All so happy to help her, to smile and treat her like family? Finn and Poe became her brothers, Rose a sister. They were her new family. And she loved them greatly.

But she couldn't quite shake the chilling feeling that _something_ was missing deep inside her. And just what that something might be both scared and excited her in equal measure.

Finn threw an arm around her, squashing Rey into his side with a wide and cheerful smile. “Don't go crazy on me, yeah?”

She raised a hand and patted his own upon her shoulder. “No promises,” she joked good-naturedly.

The ship began to slow. Very slightly, but they both felt it keenly being so near the engine. Finn craned a look out of the window, letting loose a low whistle. “And I thought Jakku was a junkyard. This takes the crown.”

“Hey! I lived there, remember?”

Finn raised a brow, turning his face to look at her. “You're defending that dump?”

“Well no, but…” Rey trailed off. No, she couldn't defend that place. Not at all. After seeing so much of the galaxy over the course of the year, it was utterly ludicrous to defend that place in any way. She had been abandoned in hell, there was no other word for it. And Plutt was a damned demon.

Rey vowed never to return. Not if she could help it. Let the past die indeed.

 

\---

 

The ship settled down on the outskirts of the city of junk, the only space large enough to accommodate the Falcon.

They'd been offered a spot in the heart of the city at the behest of the Scavenger Queen, but Poe had politely refused, stating that the ship would have issues landing in such a cramped space. The real reason, Rey knew, was that there was a good chance they would have to flee. And flee with blaster fire going over their heads. Leia swore that such a thing wouldn't happen this time, but Rey could feel that sliver of doubt in the Force. It was enough to make her agree with Poe at any rate.

The Scavenger Queen hadn't always been a queen. Leia knew the woman from before she had assumed the role, nothing more than a Lieutenant with ambition and a surprising amount of power. Tante Mila had spoken out against the fledgling First Order to no avail. When their power grew, she found herself on lists of those named as enemies of the Order and decided to flee to work from the shadows. Communications between them ground to a halt. But she had promised Leia her help if ever she needed it. And now, Leia hoped to make good on that promise.

But that was a promise made too many years ago to count. Rey liked the woman enough from Leia's stories, but time could change a person. And she didn't even have a lightsaber to protect her now, just a blaster that she still hated to use. It felt so clunky next to the elegant blade she'd wielded for just a short time. There was no _connection_ to a blaster. Just dead metal.

They disembarked together, Poe heading the group as ambassador. Rey, Finn and a few other Resistance members followed, stopping when Poe did as he greeted the entourage waiting for them.

Rey thought yet again that it was going to be a hard job convincing the Queen to uphold her ancient promise without Leia herself at the proceeds. But if things did indeed go south, Poe worried for her safety. They all did. They couldn't risk her. Not like that.

Leia was going to be _pissed_ when they returned, with either good news or bad. It wasn't until they'd exited hyperspace that Poe had revealed that it wasn't exactly a sanctioned mission.

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

“Welcome, Resistance ambassadors,” the woman greeted cordially, eyes carefully surveying each and every one of them in turn. Her gaze lingered the longest on Rey, and they all knew why: the Last Jedi in the flesh. It was a common occurrence now, they were all used to it, save Rey herself.

She would never get used to it. The title or the reverent stares. Thankfully there was no reverence in this woman's eyes as they were invited inside of the city.

Every queen needed a castle. The second they passed through the squeaking gates, the structure dominated the skyline. On the ship they'd thought it nothing more than an old and crumbling tower. Up close like this, it was anything but.

It was amazing, in fact.

“A castle made of spaceships,” Rey found herself saying aloud, more to herself than the others. She found herself grinning; it was beautiful in a way only a junkrat like herself could appreciate. The twisted metal spiralled up into three turrets, portholes set into the multicoloured plated walls in droves. It sat in its own space, commanding every inch of it with even a courtyard bustling with people and stalls selling everything from food to what Rey suspected was stolen goods from the state of the place. There was even a strange sandy coloured creature in a cage by one stall, snarling and hissing in a high pitched way that carried all the way over to them.

This was like a fairytale. The favourite fairytale that a scavenger girl trapped on a planet of sand would have. There was so much _life._

Rey loved it.

It was through the courtyard that they were led, walking right up to the colossal doors. Above the doors themselves, Rey saw names. Endless ship plaques and names and symbols. Prizes, she soon realised. The Scavenger Queen had made her castle of rust and ruin out of her trophies. Or was it conquests? Innocent ships taken down by force or as a result of piracy?

Somehow, Rey highly doubted that Leia would recognise her former friend now. Perhaps it was best they'd come without telling her.

People… _changed._

Rey adjusted the staff upon her back, making it easier to detach should the need arise. She hoped not.

Their guide turned to them, lips pursed. “There are no weapons permitted in the House of Tante Mila. To speak with the Queen, you must disarm first.”

Poe's fingers danced upon the blaster at his hip. “We came here in search of aid, not war. At your Queens own request.”

The guide's expression didn't shift from cold indifference. “It is the law. And if your little band of wastrels intend to leave this place alive, you'll disarm.”

Rey became acutely aware that a small audience was gathering, watching intensely. They certainly were armed. To the teeth in some cases.

So she reached out. Gently, nothing but a coil of curiosity brushing against their guide's mind. Rey gingerly felt for falsehood, for the familiar pulse that meant danger. All she found was distaste, no danger.

Rey stepped forward and unclasped her staff, holding it out for the woman to take. “Like Poe said, we're here to talk. Not fight.” She stressed it on the woman, nudging her just a little. Stars she hated doing that.

Poe was the last to hand over his blaster.

 

\---

 

It was gloomy inside, like Rey had imagined. Lit only by torches and sconces set into the wall. The flames cast long and flickering shadows draped in amber upon the metallic walls, making the glow brighter. The place was eerie, perfectly suited for a Queen in her tower of dismembered ships.

Their guards hung back by the door while she, Finn and Poe stepped forward towards the singular throne set at the end of the room. Though they didn't say it, Rey could feel the nerves emanating from them. A bead of sweat began to take form upon Finn's temple.

It was such a disgusting and blatant display of power, Rey thought as she walked. If anything, it reminded her of Snoke on his wide seat, sneering down at her and leering with his twisted face and hungry eyes. A room draped in crimson and pain.

Then they stopped before her.

The Scavenger Queen wasn't much to look at, really. Dark skinned with even darker hair, she looked like every other junkrat around the eyes; hard and unyielding. She wore no dress like a conventional queen, nor a crown. Just the haphazard style Rey was familiar with. The only thing that would have separated her from the masses outside was the glittering jewels around her neck, thick and encrusting her throat in crimson. That and she was spotlessly clean, not a single dark curl out of place as it tumbled down around her face.

Poe inclined his head rather stiffly. “My Lady, thank you for seeing us.”

Tante Mila's eyes narrowed. “I thought Leia would be here at least.” She tapped a finger against her knee, gaze settling on Rey at Finn's side. “You've the look of a scavenger about you, little Jedi. Where do you come from?”

“Jakku, my Lady.”

The tapping stopped as a wave of revulsion spread through the Force. At her or the place, Rey wondered. “Fortunate indeed that you managed to escape. Not many escape the waking nightmare that is Jakku. I respect a woman that has strength such as that.”

Poe stepped forward, cutting off Rey's reply. “Look - we're not here to small talk. You made Leia a promise for aid. The Resistance is asking that you honour that promise.”

The queen laughed softly, appraising Poe for a long moment. Rey tensed up. “She doesn't know you're here, does she? The Leia I knew would never have let someone who runs at the mouth be her ambassador. Unless the Resistance truly is as depleted as I've heard? Tell me - are you a last resort, or simply a flyboy who can't help himself in getting involved?”

A muscle jumped in Poe's jaw. Rey took precedent to speak before he did, stepping around the man. Someone had to keep a level head, and like hell it was going to be him this time. “The Resistance are hanging by a thread. Leia told us that you could help us -- all of us. She also said that you are a good woman, a woman who always stands up to protect the Light when the situation calls for it. We need your help. Please, Your Majesty.”

Silence fell until the woman tutted, crossing her ankles and then uncrossing them. “You shouldn't beg. It's beneath you, sweetheart.”

“Saving the lives of the people I care about? It's worth anything. If you want me to kneel, then I will kneel.” She could do this. Sacrifice her pride for the Resistance. They'd sacrificed so much more than that.

“No need to kneel.” The queen actually giggled, rising to her feet before them. “But I'm afraid that I will not be sending anyone to your cause. Not a single person. We are scavengers, not fighters. I do not fight in the battles of others no longer. I cannot…” she gave a weary sigh, gaze fixing upon Rey who was promptly swelling with frustration. The Scavenger Queen raised a hand to silence Finn and Poe's protestations, speaking louder. “But I _will_ help. I gave Leia my word after all. As such, I've a gift for lovely Leia. And the Resistance. A _very_ handsome gift in fact.”

“Oh yeah? Junk?” Poe retorted sarcastically, hand pressed to the spot his blaster usually sat. He motioned to her necklace. “We'll take those jewels if you're serious about giving us a gift. They'll get us about half a ship at least.”

She waggled her finger at him, like he was a misbehaving child, Rey thought. “Not junk. Something entirely more precious than rubies, I assure you. Leia would rather my gift than a thousand junkrat fighters that would flee at the first sign of trouble. Follow me.” With a clink of jewels and a mysterious smile, she swept around and walked across the room to an curtained antechamber, not hesitating in brushing the crimson fabric aside. With a wide, bright smile, she gestured for them to take a look inside.

Rey ventured inside first, ducking low to avoid the metal beam lying across the top of the doorframe. Stars, she wished she had a staff. Or any kind of weapon really. Just in case this turned out to be some kind of trap. It wouldn't be the first time they'd ran into trouble. Especially since Poe attracted it in droves. Then again, she wasn't much better.

What was that, leaning against the rusty red wall? It looked like a statue, some piece of art. She squinted, taking a step closer. The piece was the only thing in the room, tall and human looking and-

And she knew that face. It beleaguered her dreams and haunted her nightmares. Ben. No, _Kylo_!

Rey slapped her hands over her mouth. Was he…was he dead? No! He couldn't be. She refused to believe it! She would have felt him leave the Force. Felt him… leave her.

Wouldn't… wouldn't she?

Her hands trembled over her mouth. She'd failed. Ben was-

“You've got to be fucking kidding me,” Poe gaped, ducking around her.

“Kylo Ren-!” Finn choked out.

The queen smiled sweetly at their shocked expressions. “For what is more precious than blood?”

“How-?” Rey whispered, staring up into that raw, handsome face she knew only too well by now. She couldn't make herself look away from those narrowed eyes, so full of anger and hate. Fear flooded her veins anew as she rounded on the queen, rage blossoming like a flower. “What did you _do_ you him?! Is he dead?!”

Poe stepped closer, looking him up and down. “No. This is carbonite. I've heard of carbonite freezing, but to survive such a thing…” he looked to the queen, almost hopeful. “ _Is_ he dead?”

“No. He's very alive, entombed in hibernation. It's a shame,” the woman sighed, gazing up into the fierce face. She brushed a finger against his frozen cheek. Rey felt a sudden flash of possessiveness as the woman touched him. “A complete shame that I have to give him up. It's been a long time since I've seen art as marvellous as him. But I can't keep him - that lovely face is far too recognisable for him to stay here. I'd have the First Order at my doors before the week is out.”

Rey shook her head, letting her hands fall from her mouth. “Where did you find him?”

Mila ran a finger across his frozen lips, still twisted into a ferocious snarl. “Floating through deep space. One of my scavengers picked him up. I'd know those eyes anywhere.”

Finn rubbed at the back of his head. “Is this why you agreed to meet with us? Because of him?”

“Don't you want him?” Mila raised a brow.

She was still caressing Be- Kylo's cheek. Rey wanted nothing more than to tear her grasping fingers away from him. To be fawned over like that… Touched like he was purely decoration-!

“Yes!” Rey near shouted, causing Finn to give her an odd look. “Yes. We're taking him back to his- to Leia. To the Resistance.”

Tante Mila finally lowered her hand, smile wide. “I'll have someone bring wheels.”

 

\---

 

The trip back to the Falcon was a strange one. A very strange one - owing to the fact they were hauling one very heavy block of carbonite. And the man inside wasn't small either, his height making it an utter pain to cram him aboard without smacking him a few times on the frame of the ramp. The job was made doubly harder by the crimson throw they used to shield his identity. In the end, though, they laid him down just inside the door, at an utter loss at what to do.

Rey elected to stay with him, leaving Poe and Finn to pilot the Falcon alone. She waved away the guards that had tried to remain with her, citing that a block of carbonite was hardly going to rear up and attack her.

Wait. He couldn't, could he?

Rey reached out with the Force, as carefully as possible. If he was still strong enough, she'd never escape. Sleep deprivation had left her weaker than she cared to admit. It was horrible.

Finding the narrow thread that connected them both took much longer than she anticipated. Much more energy, too. Rey swallowed hard as she finally brushed against the familiar signature of Be- Kylo. And what she felt chilled her to the bone.

Rey had felt rage in the Force before, but this… it was beyond anything she'd ever felt. It was pure, unadulterated fury. Immediately she recoiled away like he might bite her the second he realised she was there, tentatively scratching at the edges of his mind.

Hibernation, they'd said. Somehow, Rey didn't think he was hibernating. But if he was actually aware of what was going on around him…

She shuddered, rubbing at her bare arms. No one deserved such a horror. Not even him. But the more Rey contemplated what she'd felt, the blinding rage, the more she came to the terrible conclusion that he really could sense what was transpiring.

“I'll get you out,” Rey found herself whispering, fingers brushing his cheek. “I promise.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was blown away by your enthusiasm and support. Really, it means the whole to me that you're all enjoying this little space opera. Some people have asked on Twitter how long this story shall be, and I've no answer for you all. Long is all I can say looking at the plans for future chapters. 
> 
> As always, a huge thanks to my lovely Beta, MyJediLife. I beta for her also, you should go and check her out. 
> 
> Enjoy xo

Rey wasn't quite sure just when the ship had started to trail the Falcon, but she certainly felt the blast it aimed at them.

She screamed as the explosion shook the ship, grabbing at the nearest fixed object she could find to steady herself. When the floor stopped rumbling beneath her, she began shouting in panic. “Poe?! Finn?!”

Oh stars, they didn't answer. Rey panted heavily, fingers slipping from the metal pipe. “Finn! Poe!” she yelled louder, starting forwards. But then she stopped and looked at the carbonite, gesturing wildly with a hand. “Don't you _dare_ move!” Rey ordered the block sternly before scrambling away.

Shit, shit, shit! Was it the First Order? They probably had spies within the scavenging community, and the three of them were such recognisable faces. Or was it because they had their Supreme Leader on board, though he was nothing more than a hunk of rock that had a pretty face?

_Focus, Rey!_

She skidded into the cockpit, blood pounding wildly in her ears. Finn wasn't there, but Poe was, turning them sharply to the left with a growl of “Bastard hit the rear. Finn is manning the guns. Strap yourself in now!”

Rey threw herself into the copilot seat, smashing her fist into a few buttons before reaching for the rear shields, but Poe had already beaten her to it. He really was starting to know his way around, Rey thought distantly before craning a look out of the window to catch a look at the marauding ship; she didn't recognise the screaming streak of grey.

They veered so hard that Rey's shoulder smashed into the wall. Stars, it hurt-!

“Rey! Damn it-!” Poe swore, dodging another hit.

Gritting her teeth, she gripped Poe's shoulder. “Let me fly!”

“No!” he yelled in response.

Oh for-! “That is _my_ seat, Poe!” Her ship, too! She'd tried to refuse Chewie’s insistence that she captain the Falcon, but there was only so many times you could refuse a Wookie. So, the Millennium Falcon was now hers and she never stopped thinking about Han. Especially how gargantuan the shoes he'd left behind for her to fill were.

“I know Rey! Sit down!” His fingers pressed a few buttons and she near swelled up in rage at just which one he was going for now.

The main cargo ramp. Where Ben would promptly be sucked out into space yet again, but this time into a barrage of laser fire.

Rey lashed out with the Force, throwing Poe from his seat. She didn't hesitate in jumping into it and taking control of the ship, punching the comms. “Finn! Do you have a shot yet?”

“Almost!”

Another hit caught the Falcon --  the right side this time. Rey saw red, growling between her bared teeth as she spun them wildly around to face their assailant and give Finn a better shot. A blast later and the fighter blew up in a cloud of amber and crimson.

Rey let her hands slide from the controls, panting heavily as she gazed out into the vast expanse of space. Running had probably been the better option, but she was so tired of running. So tired of hiding. If the past year had taught Rey one thing, it was that she wasn't a scared little girl anymore.

If they wanted her blood, they'd have to take it from her by force.

 

\---

 

Poe pulled himself up into the closest seat with a groan. “You know I hate it when you use the Force on me.”

Eyes narrowing, Rey turned to look at the man. “You don't know the controls as well as I do. You should have gotten on the guns instead of Finn and left the ship to me.” She rose to her feet, hitting the comms off. “And you were going to open the hatch and blow Kylo into space.”

Poe barked a laugh, looking over the controls and lowering the shields.

Rey's mood continued to decline. “I don't see how that's funny.”

“He deserves it,” Poe stated simply, rising to his feet and rubbing the back of his head where it had collided with the wall panel. “Kylo Ren is a monster. We should have blown that bastard hunk of carbonite into a black hole hours ago.”

“That is execution, Poe.” Rey's mouth felt dry. “It's not up to you.”

Poe's foot came into hard contact with the copilot chair. He swore. “He's going to die anyway!”

“But it's not up to you.”

“Well it should be after what that bastard did to me!” Poe shouted, hands balling into fists. “Han Solo. Finn's back! Hell, to you! The entire Resistance! What is wrong with you, Rey? Why does it sound like you're protecting him? You should want him dead more than me!”

Poe had a point. A real, valid point; Kylo had done such terrible things. Acts that made her shudder to even think about. Rey supposed that she compartmentalised the man into two versions of himself now: Kylo Ren and Ben Solo. But no, they were one person. Sometimes it was so easy to forget that, to think only of Ben and his potential, leaving Kylo in the shadows where he belonged. Even now, not having spoken for an entire year, he haunted her thoughts and challenged her morals. Because there was _something_ between them.

Rey wasn't certain what that something was. Or if she even wanted it.

Finn entered the room, sweat shining upon his forehead. He loosed a low whistle. “Nice move Poe, turning like that. Lined me up perfectly.”

“Rey did it. I'll check the damage.” And with that, he stepped around them both and disappeared deeper into the ship. Neither of them had ever heard so much subliminal rage in their friend's voice.

Finn opened his mouth and closed it a few times, jerking his thumb over his shoulder. “Uh, what was that about?”

Perhaps she should just say nothing? “Poe was going to blast Kylo into space. I stopped him.”

Finn looked thoughtful for a moment. “Can I ask why?”

“Because we are not executioners, Finn. I told Poe that as well. He needs to go back up Leia.”

Slowly, Finn sank down into the vacated seat. He sighed, rubbing his palms upon his knees. “I have no idea about the Force, you know that. But I do know that Leia will have him executed. He's one of those Sith things.”

“No,” Rey answered quickly. “He isn't a Sith.”

“How can you be so sure? Dude's pretty damn evil. I watched him kill Han Solo, remember?”

Rey squirmed. The throne room was _her_ doing the endless First Order propaganda claimed. To the Resistance, Kylo was a helmeted figure cloaked in the darkest of shadows. Rey was a legend, having killed Snoke - not to mention escaping the red saber of his pet monster. And that same monster now led the First Order. Save she and Leia, no one knew just who Kylo really was, or what had driven him to join the Dark Side.

Finn deserved to know. She definitely wasn't going to bring up that she might harbour feelings for the man. Nor about the Bond or the way she'd flown into hell just to try and drag the stupid man back to the Light. Starting with his name.

“His real name is Ben Solo,” Rey blurted out before her confidence betrayed her.

Finn frowned, but slowly, surely, his eyes widened in horror. “He-? Solo? That monster is Leia's _son-?”_

“He is.”

“Oh hell,” Finn whispered, eyes fixed upon the opposite wall but not really seeing. “Han called him Ben. I thought I'd misheard, that he'd shouted _Ren_. He…” his voice broke slightly. “He murdered his own father-?”

“He…” No. She couldn't excuse that with an explanation. “Yes. He did.”

“But _why?”_ Finn shook his head hard, expression something between horror and rage. “ _Why do something like that?_ Han was his _father! “_

“He believed that he had to.” Rey looked down at her feet, sadness trickling through her like sand. Ben had believed a lot of things in his quest to find his place within the Force...

“Had to-?” Finn didn't understand.

“Snoke twisted him and controlled him even when he was a child. Leia told me.” And oh how it had broken her heart to hear.

Finn shook his head, sad for the entire Solo family. So when Luke had faced him on Crait, he’d faced his nephew…  

Finally, he looked up at Rey. There was sorrow in his eyes. “Like me? Like all the Stormtroopers in the First Order? Trained to kill without question?”

“It's complicated.”

He chuckled lowly. “Yeah, I think I got that.”

Rey glanced to the depths of the ship as a loud rattle sounded, alerting them to the imminent return of Poe. “Please don't tell Poe,” she next to begged Finn. “Leia plans to tell him, she just can't figure out a way to. But she will.”

Poe returned before Finn could reply, lightly slapping a hand onto the top of the copilot chair. “We're fine. Just bumps and bruises on the guards and light damage to the hull. Might need to touch up the paintwork, but we're fine to make the jump to hyperspace and get the hell outta here.”

_Rey._

She jumped as if hit by a jolt of lightning. Her eyes flickered between Poe and Finn as they discussed the hyperdrive engine.

_Rey…_

Frowning to herself, Rey rose to her feet. That voice… Her feet led her out of the cockpit, metal creaking underfoot as she made her way to the main cargo bay door in almost a dreamlike state.

He'd moved, the colossal block now lying against the opposite wall, one corner caught awkwardly. Not by himself, Rey knew, but by the sharp twists and turns the Falcon had made in order to escape. With a loud groan she pulled at the bottom of the carbonite, trying to make him slide down the caught inch and onto his back once more. Rey just hoped that it wasn't possible to break his foot off as she ended up using it in her effort to make a block of damn carbonite comfortable.

She crouched down. “I saved your ass _again_ today,” Rey informed him in a disgruntled tone, not caring if he could indeed hear her or not. “And still I haven't heard you say _thank you._ If you can send out little whispers by the Force, I want you to say it. And a _sorry_ as well, you stupidly huge Hutt-faced piece of-!”

Rey took a deep, calming breath. “Why am I even talking to you? Bad things happen when we're together.” It was with great sadness stirring in her heart that she stood up, looking down into his snarling face once more. Clearly he'd been taken by surprise, one hand a tight fist and the other half outstretched like he was reaching for something.

Maybe…

She leaned over his face, fingers searching the waving folds of frozen fabric for a familiar shape at his hip, but found nothing. No, his lightsaber was gone. Maybe he'd been reaching out for that.

With a soft _boom_ the Falcon jumped into lightspeed and Rey lost her balance, face smashing right into a frozen thigh. “Oof-!”she groaned, sprawled atop the man utterly and completely. Stars that hurt-! Why did he have to be so large and… Well large.

Rey's face exploded with red heat as she realised just how close her face was to his crotch. If she so much as twitched to the left she'd brush it and-

She rolled off, desperate not to be caught in such an, uh, compromising position. Still, her cheeks burned and she spluttered out an apology, the words coming out half formed.

She really, seriously hoped that he hadn't felt _that_.

Refusing to look back, she marched towards the cockpit.

 

\---

 

Rey loved traveling through hyperspace. It felt so wild and breathtaking, even if the view was something left to be desired after a while. Poe was sitting in her seat again, but upon catching sight of her, he got up and gestured at it. Something about it made Rey feel guilty.  
“I'm sorry,” Poe said sincerely, moving to stand before her. “For speaking like that to you.”  
Rey nodded, offering him a reassuring smile. “It's fine, Poe. I understand. And I'm sorry too - I lost my temper and it was completely uncalled for. It's been a very strange day. “  
Poe crossed the distance between them and pulled Rey in for a brief but fierce hug. “You've nothing to be sorry for. Friends?”  
Rey scoffed, pulling away to look into his grinning face. “Of course!”Still smiling, she took the captain's seat. Her seat.

She sincerely doubted that he'd still want to be friends if he'd seen what had flashed through her mind being so close to his nemesis.

 

Poe was in a decidedly much more cheerful mood when they finally reached the little planet in the Outer Rim. It was dominated by sparkling sapphire ocean as far as the eye could see, the only land on the planet a spit that was once an old mining complex, now long since abandoned. How they mined on a planet that was almost entirely water, Rey didn't want to know. Water in this quantity was frightening, even though she could now swim. Not very well, but enough to keep herself afloat if need be. Rey was so proud of that achievement; it was another layer of Jakku washed away.

But as they approached the outpost that led to the docking station, an uneasy feeling began to take root in the pit of Rey's stomach. Her nails dug into the rough fabric of her chair as the landing sequence was initiated by Poe at her side. The second they touched down, the thump made Rey's heart clench painfully.

“Let's go and give the Resistance something to party about, huh?” Poe grinned, gleeful like a small child. He punched open the cargo door and got up, still smiling.

Rey's heart sank further.

 

\---

 

When the transport arrived and the wheels were snapped to the bottom, throwing him upright, Rey still hadn't left the confines of the Falcon. She couldn't bring herself to watch Poe crow about their unexpected victory - if they could even call it that. Poe was leading a man to his execution, and everything about it just left a bad taste in her mouth. He deserved his revenge for the pain he'd suffered, but-

“Stop it,” Rey whispered to herself, head falling into her hands. “Let it go. Let it all go.”

She couldn't. How could she? Rey had felt his terrible fears and hurts and rages like they'd been her own. She still did. At times it became difficult to discern between her own intense loneliness and his own, spread out over so many long years. It was like they were two sides of the same coin.

Rey sniffed into her palms, feeling something wet trickle between her fingers. She'd failed to save him, and failed so spectacularly at that. Now Ben was going to die, and she'd feel that roaring flame turn to cinders before finally going out completely. Stars, she should have tried harder, should have said other things. What if she'd taken his hand in that room, surrounded by death and destruction? Maybe she could have worked on him over time and convinced him that his place in the world was one far, far away from the Dark Side. One day, he might have taken her hand and followed his own advice in letting the past die once and for all.

But no; time had finally run out.

Rey allowed herself to cry, alone in the Falcon as she was. It hurt, it always did. Everything she remotely cared about she always ended up losing; little creatures from the sand dunes that she'd tried to tame but failed; the beautiful red flower found only on Jakku that eventually withered and died; Jala the smugglers daughter, her first tentative friend when she'd been thirteen. But then she flew away and like Rey's parents, never came back.

Then came Han.

Even Luke she supposed.

And now Ben. Not Kylo Ren the monster, but the man beneath the mask. It was him she'd tried so desperately to save - and failed to.

 Stars, what a mess. 

 

 

When the solitary moon in the sky, stark blue in contrast with the dark horizon, began to rise, Rey heard footsteps. She supposed it was someone coming to check where she was; time had flown by so quickly as she sank deeper into the terrible pit of sadness within her. They were probably there to bring her to the celebration she could sense happening just below the ground. Rey had no intention of attending; she'd see that dumb, stupid face and-

“Rey?”

It was Leia.

Rey spun around so fast she almost saw stars. The older woman stood framed in the doorway, a hand pressed against the metal panels for extra support; she flashed Rey a warm smile. “It suits you, sitting in that chair.”

A small smile of her own twitched at Rey's lips. “It's a very big chair. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to fill it.”

Leia shook her head, stepping into the room. She placed a hand upon Rey's shoulder, squeezing gently. “Nonsense. Like Han, you were born to sit in that seat.”

The smile only grew. “Thank you for letting me have it. You and Chewie. I ask him everytime we head out if he wants to come, but he just says that it hurts too much.”

With a soft sigh, Leia closed her eyes briefly. “Sometimes I think that I can still feel him. Han.”

“Maybe it is him?” Rey already knew the answer, but it was good to hope. To believe. If anyone could pull off the impossible, it would be Han Solo.

Leia's smile turned delicate and sad. “We both know that cannot happen. A true Jedi can become one with the Force, but for the rest… they move on.”

Rey reached out and took the woman's hand into both her own. “No one is ever truly gone.”

The other hand pressed against the pile; Leia chuckled. “Luke said that to me on Crait. You did learn something from him then.”

“Not enough,” Rey grimaced. Nothing at all, really. Luke… had not been what she had expected from the legends and stories told on Jakku around evening fires.

Leia sighed wistfully. “It's a shame you didn't meet him before everything. He was quite fun once, Luke. He and Han were as thick as thieves, always causing trouble.”

Then Ben had been born and the three of them had grown up.

Rey couldn't help but notice that they were avoiding the elephant in the room. Well, the man frozen in carbonite. She didn't want to talk about it as much as Leia, but they had to at some point. To Rey's relief, it wasn't her who broached the subject.

“Ben and Han were close once too,” Leia began softly, gazing at the golden dice above, back in their rightful place. “He idolized his father for years. Whenever Han left, Ben would throw a tantrum because he couldn't go with him.”

Rey smirked, leaning in a little. “Did he have tantrums all the time as a child?”

Leia laughed, a genuine laugh that eased Rey's heart somewhat. “Oh yes. And I hear that hasn't changed much over the years.”

“Or maybe he's just a really big baby?” Rey suggested with mischief glinting in her eyes.

The two women caught each other's gaze and both promptly burst out into laughter. Stars, how Rey loved to make her laugh; Leia laughed so wholly and without reservation, completely forgetting the leader persona she usually wore like a second skin.

Still chuckling, Leia raised a hand to her face and wiped away the solitary tear that had escaped during the mirth. “He got that from his father, I assure you; he and Han are so alike and…” The laughter faded, giving way to a wave of nostalgia. Then the wave broke upon Leia's shores. “I miss him. Both of them. Ben is on this very island and yet he still feels light years away. What do I do with him, Rey? I don't have the strength to order the death of my own son.”

If that time did indeed come, Rey decided that she would be the one to do it. She may not have been able to save Ben, but stars above, she was going to save his mother.

Rey threw herself at the woman and wrapped her arms tight around her, squeezing fiercely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make my day fab-u-lous.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg! You're all so lovely and nice, thank you so much. Enjoy!

The party lasted the entire night and still Rey didn't emerge from the Falcon. In the end, she collapsed into Han's old quarters, curling up atop the thin covers with her knees pressed into her chest. 

Rey always slept well on the Falcon if nothing disturbed her; there was something comforting and almost familiar about the cramped quarters. It made her feel safe. Maybe that was what home felt like. 

Evidence of Han still littered the room if one knew where to look -- a pair of boots fallen beneath the bed, too old and tatty to be of any use; scorch marks on the wall from where his blaster had gone off by accident while cleaning; manuals stained with oil and grease shoved into drawers and forgotten. 

Rey had also found signs of Ben's childhood in the simple drawings scratched into the metal of the door. She'd stared at them for a long time trying to discern what the little shapes meant, but couldn't figure most of them out. There was a few she recognised though; his family. His father showed up the most, alongside what looked like a line of simplistic lightsabers -- no doubt a product of knowing his uncle or hearing the old Jedi legends. Chewie was there also, nothing more than a ball of scratchy squiggles for fur. 

The art just made Rey feel sad, so she usually slept with her back to them. 

 

But sleep didn't come so easily that evening. She gazed into the silky darkness, lost within her turbulent thoughts and feelings like a ship in a storm with no anchor. The clock showing the time shone blood red, telling Rey that it was a few hours until dawn. 

Rey slowly unwound herself and shifted onto her back, hands flat against her stomach. After staying like that for a long moment, her fingers began to drum distractedly against her shirt. 

Maybe they could just exile him? Send him to some barren planet where he couldn't be of any harm? She definitely didn't want Ben to die; it would destroy her. Destroy Leia also. But what could she do?

When Rey finally fell into a restless sleep, the sun was teasing the horizon. 

  
  


\---

  
  


“Rey. You look… you look terrible.”

She gave Finn a sleepy smile, halfheartedly raising a hand to her hair but then giving up; no one gave two figs about her bed hair. “Thanks, Finn (!)”

Breakfast was controlled portions due to food shortages, but they were far larger than the ones Rey was used to on Jakku. Sometimes she found it hard to finish eating, offering either Finn or someone else the rest. She'd never get used to the feeling of being properly and comfortably full. 

Finn leaned across the table, staring intently for a moment. “Those shadows are back under your eyes.”

They were? Drat… “I'm fine, Finn. No really, I  _ am”  _ she added hastily upon catching sight of her friend's look of doubt. 

Finn shoved food into his mouth and swallowed before speaking. “Okay. If you say that you're okay, I believe you.”

A whistle sounded across the room; the pair twisted around to spy Poe as he passed through, a hand raised in brief greeting to the pair before he left. Rey turned back to Finn, leaning in closer and lowering her voice. “Thank you for not telling him.”

Finn actually snorted, inclining his head towards Rey. “Are you nuts? I don't want to be the one to tell him. Leia's like a mother to him.” He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Guess that means he's got a murderous brother too with that package.”

Rey snickered. ”Definitely don't tell him  _ that _ .” She craned a look around the room, skirting over the mess of the previous night. “Did you join in?” she asked. 

Finn shrugged a shoulder, avoiding her eye. “Yeah. More from Poe dragging me into it. He went looking for you -- I told him that you were asleep.”

“Thanks,” Rey replied sincerely. The rare gatherings and celebrations she'd experienced over the last year were  _ not  _ her idea of fun. Rey had tried dancing -- and hated it. She and Finn sequestered themselves away into their own little nook and talked instead. 

The clubs and bars were even worse. And if she ever heard another Cantina band, it was much too soon. 

Rey noticed that something was missing from the room. Something big and grey and really rather handsome. “Where is he?”

“Leia took him near the end of the night. She had him transferred into her chambers for safekeeping. There's a guard outside, just in case.”

“He's not going to just wake up,” Rey laughed. How ludicrous! He would have done it by now if he could. “They're protecting the Resistance from a  _ statue _ ?”

Finn grimaced slightly. “More like protecting him  _ from  _ the Resistance.”

Now she understood. “Oh,” Rey said softly. “I understand. People are angry, and they have the right to be.”

“ _ You  _ have the right to be angry too, Rey,” Finn said seriously. “The First Order captured you and took you to Snoke himself! I know you don't want to talk about how you killed him -- and escaped Kylo Ren -- but I've seen that scar on your arm. The one you always keep hidden.”

Unconsciously her hand traveled to the band upon her upper arm, brushing the fabric that concealed the burn she'd received during the ensuing fight in the throne room. Why she still kept it covered, Rey wasn't sure. But it hurt to look at when she did catch sight of it in the mirror when getting changed.  

“I still don't want to talk about it, Finn.” She couldn't; that would mean telling him everything. Utterly everything. Finn was forgiving and unfailingly kind, but could he forgive that? 

  
  


\---

  
  


By the end of breakfast, Rey had decided that it was time to talk to Ben. Or at least try to. 

  
  


\---

  
  


Rey flashed the guard a bright smile as she stopped outside of Leia's room. “Hey! I need to go inside,” she asked, entirely cheerful even though it felt like her belly was full of writhing snakes. No one had questioned her walking along the more private areas, respecting her too much to snap that she should just go away. It made her feel guilty. 

The guard's eyes widened slightly as the realisation of who he was talking to hit him; he stood up a little straighter. “Lady Jedi-!”

“Just Rey.” 

“Rey,” he corrected with a nervous laugh; a bead of sweat shone at his temple. “Wow. I'm sorry, but General Organa said no one can go in. No exceptions. Not even for you.”

She didn't want to do this. Rey really, truly, didn't want to have to resort to the Force, but she could feel that the man was firm in his decision and wouldn't move through talk alone. 

Rey's hand brushed against his arm and she smiled with the illusion of confidence. “I can go in,” she stressed with the Force. “Like you said, I'm a Jedi.”

“I don't want him to hurt you,” the man said in an odd tone, almost like he was confused yet concerned. 

Rey pressed harder. “He won't hurt me. You're going to let me in and tell no one that I am inside.”

“I will let you in and tell no one that you are inside,” he parroted, eyes glazing over slightly. The man pulled out a small key and pressed it against the door handle; it clicked open. 

Rey patted his shoulder, feeling more than a little bit guilty by now. “Thank you. I swear I'm not doing anything bad! I just want to talk to him. Or try to.” She slipped inside and shut the door with a soft snap. 

 

Leia commanded the largest room, of course. But even then it was hardly any bigger than Rey's own quarters. The plain room was more or less identical, nothing more than a metal bedstead and matching table.

Ben stood against the far wall, some kind of metal box attached on the his right hip. When Rey ventured over and took a closer look, a green light was pulsing in a slow, steady rhythm; his heartbeat. Leia's way of monitoring that he was still alive. A small series of red and green wires snaked across his chest, their ends embedded into his very form. 

Had Leia been trying to wake him up, perhaps? Rey had no idea how you woke someone up from carbonite hibernation. The whole area of it was alien to her. 

But to business; Rey grabbed the chair from beneath the table and dragged it over until it was close enough to Ben. Then she sat down, taking a deep and steadying breath as she stared up at his body and into his face. This was either going to work or fail spectacularly. She'd speak with Ben, or she wouldn't. Rey still had no idea of what she'd even say to him if they did connect. Hello, maybe? Please don't kill me when you wake up?

Rey placed her hands gingerly upon his rock hard chest and closed her eyes, reaching out for the thread she had felt before. She searched and searched until her brow was furrowed with frustration and exertion -- stars it was hard to navigate the darkness with only her speck of light as a guide. 

_ Can you hear me? Ben?  _ There was no response. The deeper Rey went, the thicker the shadows, attracted to her unwavering light. They began to coalesce around her, making Rey feel uneasy. Something didn't feel right; Ben's head felt rusty like the old Destroyers she'd clambered about in search of parts. So much so that Rey was worried about scratching herself on his darkness. 

Where was he? She'd found him before, almost too easily. Something was wrong; he should be here-

Then they connected. 

Rey screamed, near falling off the seat as the talons dug deep into her mind. They held fast, each stab more painful than the last; it was like he was trying to pierce her very brain, stabbing mercilessly until Rey's vision went white with agony. She lost track of time, her senses and location. Rey felt her own identity begin to crumble as well. 

_ It's me, Ben! It's me! Stop! Please-! _

Almost immediately, the talons receded -- along with the pain. Rey came to upon the floor, shaking and breathing heavily. With a soft sob, she rolled onto her front and pressed her forehead to the cool stone floor. The wind had been knocked clean from her and she coughed hard, trying not to retch at the memory of the pain. 

The pain...

Oh stars-! Rey knew that agony. Knew it very intimately at that. 

Ben was… he'd…

Rey slowly rose to her feet.

She didn't want to admit it, but there was no denying the truth; It was he who had been causing the episodes of agony and long hours of torture. But why would he do such a thing to her? Rey felt the betrayal cut her deep, all the way to the bone. If anything, that hurt more than the man himself attempting to puncture her mind and tear out her sanity. 

She recoiled away from him, utterly disgusted. Rey hugged her arms around her body. “Why?” she asked in a broken voice, trembling. “Why?! I tried to save you, to… to… and you just… you spent the year systematically torturing me?!” Rey advanced a single step, unsteady but brave with fury in her eyes. “You… you  _ monster _ ! I begged for death so many times-!  _ How could you?!” _

Rey was sobbing now. And she hated it. 

Arms caught Rey and held her fast as she screamed in abject rage at the man. No - the heartless beast. A creature far beyond saving now. Rey refused to acknowledge him as even being human, let alone Ben Solo. 

“Shhh,” a voice said soothingly into her ear. “Calm down, sweetheart.” The voice promptly ordered everyone out of the room; Rey hadn't even noticed the door opening, let alone if there was people inside with her. 

Leia sat Rey down on the end of the bed, offering her a handkerchief; she refused, not wanting to rub her disgusting face all over the lovely blue fabric. The woman took the spot next to her, placing a firm hand upon Rey's knee. “Are you alright, Rey?”she asked in a low, calm voice.”No one else is here.”

Was she alright? Her head felt light and her heart was still pounding against her chest like it might suddenly burst out and escape. 

“I'm fine,” she insisted with a jerky nod. 

“Silly thing of me to ask,” Leia sighed. “Of course you're not. Talk to me, Rey - what happened? I felt your agony in the Force, screaming across the planet.”

Oh. Rey took a deep breath, centring herself. She couldn't make herself meet Leia's eyes, knowing how similar they were to…

“It was Ben. I tried to talk to him with the Force and he attacked me.” Her hands turned into tight fists as a new wave of betrayal shot through her. “He's the reason behind… the suffering. The episodes. The Force signature was the same.”

“Are you certain?” Leia's expression was troubled. 

“Positive. It was Ben. Kylo,” Rey added vehemently. 

Leia patted Rey's knee twice. Her eyes were not angry, just unfathomably sad. “I'll deal with it when he wakes up. I promise you.”

Yes. “Yes,” Rey suddenly agreed, betrayal giving way to anger. “Wake him up!”

“I've already begun to reverse the process. Rey-” Leia leaned in, expression deadly serious. “You cannot tell  _ anyone _ that he is awake. Not until we've spoken with him and decided what to do. I  _ won't _ have a riot happening in this place, do you understand? I'm sending Poe on a reconnaissance mission to try and avoid something stupid like Crait happening. We need to understand exactly what it is we are dealing with. I refuse to believe that my son is gone until I see it with my own eyes and feel nothing but darkness in him.”

Leia was still hoping even now. Rey wished she could as well, but it was hard. Even more so now that he'd stooped to a new low in hurting her for nearly an entire year, taking advantage of the Force bond that they shared. How could someone do that? Had that flickering light inside of him finally gone out? She didn't know what to think anymore. Rey only knew they were going to speak once more and never again. A clean break so she could be free of the pain and uncertainty that was Ben Solo. 

“Do you want me to stay?” Rey asked, glancing to the carbonite figure across the room; the grey was fading, but very slowly. Rey could see black beginning to bleed through as his clothes revived. He really was waking up. “I don't want him to hurt you -- or anyone.”

To her very great surprise, Leia started laughing. “He won't be doing anything when he wakes up, I assure you! I have more experience with carbonite hibernation than I care to admit.”

“What do you mean he won't be doing anything?”

“I mean that there's a very good chance that he won't be able to see, let alone start to destroy everything. In fact, I'm counting on it to give us a window to talk with him.” Leia glanced to her son, longing in her gaze. “Whatever time we have, we'll work with it. One last shot before… “

They both knew: death. 

“Come tonight,” Leia said, rising to her feet. She stepped over to stand before her son, looking up into his face; her fingers brushed his outstretched own. “When the lights are out. He should be awake and coherent enough to talk by then. We will try, at least.”

Rey nodded. “Once more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos make my day even more epic!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am a very sleepy bean right now, but thank you very much for the lovely reviews. It's because of those that I continue to work at this. So yeah, thank you! Truly! 
> 
> Anyway, our boy is awake. Let's go visit him shall we?
> 
> Note: removed a little scene that made me and some others feel iffy. Don’t post at 2am without rereading, kids.

Rey spent the day on edge. One moment she seemed fine, chatting away with Rose about her latest holovid obsession, then the next she was pacing up and down corridors. She had spent her entire life waiting, so why was this time any different?

Ben was probably awake now.

Her insides squirmed.

In the end, Rey found a list of menial jobs to do. She didn't take the ones that included too much reading -- her education hadn't stretched past letters. Reading wasn't important on Jakku, so Rey had never bothered to learn. She could recognise important and familiar words if need be, but not much more than that. After coming to the Resistance, Rey was now acutely aware of her illiteracy. Though she tried hard not to be, she felt the shame deep within her. As such, she'd told no one of her disability.

 _One day_ , she told herself. _One day I'll learn_.

Then she could finally read those ancient Jedi texts, still sequestered safely away in the Falcon.

Rey joined Rose and the cleaners as they attempted to make headway on the final rooms in the base. The island had been abandoned for longer than they'd first thought, a thick layer of grime and filth caking near everything. Rey assisted in moving the heavier items of furniture, holding them above their heads in some cases. It humbled Rey to think about how much these men and women trusted her not to let her control wobble and crush them by accident. The constant practice had paid off at long last.

 

Once done and covered with dust, Rey and Rose collapsed outside in the bright sunlight just yards from the oceans edge. It was strange for Rey to find the sand of the beach squidging between her bare toes so relaxing, but both she and Rose lay back against the white sand, closing their eyes against the heady glare of the twin suns.

This had to be paradise, surely. Why the place became lost, Rey had no idea. There was nothing but ocean if one looked out to the horizon. Nothing but sapphire that was only broken up by the steady flow of fluffy white clouds above.

“I could stay here forever,” Rose sighed lazily. “It's so beautiful. I wish all the bases we go to are like this. Not junk heaps or invaded with monster ants like Kisv.”

Rey laughed, the warmth rejuvenating her tired muscles. “That was your fault. I _told_ you not to open that well.”

“It's a well! It's supposed to have water in, not ants the size of your foot!”

They both shuddered simultaneously; thank all the stars in the galaxy they'd left after a week. But still, it had been a very long week where everyone was very much aware of the bright yellow bugs skittering around outside of the building. It didn't help that they spat some kind of corrosive acid. No wonder the little desert moon was abandoned with those horrors crawling around.

Surely there was something wrong with their current base. Rey didn't trust pretty things.

Lulled by the soothing heat, Rey quickly fell into a doze. It felt like she was floating, utterly weightless as she drifted between two worlds.

_Don't touch me!_

Rey landed with a bump, eyes snapping open as the roar echoed through her head. She gasped softly, fingers digging into the sand at her sides.

“Rey?” Rose asked sleepily, turning her head to face her friend; she raised a hand to shield her eyes from the sun's glare. “What did you say?”

She shivered slightly. “Nothing, I just yawned,” she told Rose casually.

It was all quiet now. For how much longer Rey didn't know, but there was no mistaking who those snarled words belonged to.

 

\---

 

Dinner arrived and Rey sat there picking rather than actually eating. No one bothered her about it, too used to her strange little habits. They came as part of the package.

She felt sick.

She felt nervous.

She felt angry.

She felt… excited.

Rey ignored the last one.

She tried to imagine what to expect, but how could she? Kylo was an enigma and Ben even more so. There was no way to predict what might happen when she walked through those doors and saw him for the first time since she'd shut the connection down on Crait. A whole year ago now.

When at last the room was empty, no one but for the cooks cleaning up, Rey finally found the courage to get to her feet and go and meet a monster.

 

Leia's corridor was quiet. Rey hadn't been expecting that; she had imagined shouting and the like, not complete silence. It was eerie. Not even a guard stood outside of the room now, placed at the end of the corridor instead; he'd let her pass with a cheerful enough smile. Rey felt shame as she recognised him as the one who she'd forced into letting her in. He was none the wiser.

Rey reached out for the door, her fingers brushing the burnished metal. Her breath caught in her chest. _Just one more step. One more._

Rey pushed the door open.

 

Ben hadn't woken up gracefully. That much was evident in the way the table was lying on its side. Plus it seemed to be dented from a forceful kick.

The man himself wasn't obvious at first, tucked away in the corner as he was. Rey ignored him for now, looking to Leia laid on the bed with a holoscreen out, reading a book of some kind. “Leia?” she said, announcing herself.

Removing her reading glasses, Leia smiled. “Rey. I didn't hear you come in. Come over and sit with me.” With a groan she pulled herself up into a sitting position, making room for Rey to perch on the end. “Sorry I can't offer you a seat; it's taken.” She glanced towards the other side of the room.

Sitting down next to Leia, Rey finally looked towards the opposing corner; Ben, Kylo, whatever he was calling himself now sat with his back to them, shoulders hunched over. His tattered black cape lay upon the floor in a heap at his feet. As if sensing her staring, he shifted his foot a fraction.

Leia followed her gaze. “He's not said much,” she sighed gently, eyes on her son's back. “He's… not been what I expected.”

“How so?”

“I expect you'll find out soon enough. Oh, and he can't see. Can't keep his balance either. And his use of the Force is somewhat diminished. Your safety-”

“Worry about your own safety General Organa,” a low growl sounded from the dark shape in the corner.

Rey scowled at his back. “Don't speak to your mother like that.”

“I'll speak to her however I _want.”_

Leia rolled her eyes, sighing in exasperation. “Thirty years old and he still acts like he's three.”

Rey snorted.”So you put him in the naughty corner?”

Ben slammed a fist against the wall, cutting off any further replies. “Kill me,” he spat. “It's far better than listening to you two prattle on.”

Something in his tone triggered a nerve in Rey, pulling her to her feet. “Don't tempt me,” she warned in a low voice. “You have made the past year _hell_ for me.”

Ben leaned back his head, facing towards the ceiling. Rey watched the dark mass of his hair fall across his broad shoulders. “You don't know the meaning of hell,” he laughed bitterly.

“And you do?” Rey challenged. She clenched her hands into tight fists. The temptation to smack him was so high. Oh, she knew hell. She had lived on Jakku after all.

“Yes, I do.” He grasped the edge of his seat before twisting around to face her.

Rey couldn't help but gasp in shock.

The carbonite had hid the imperfections perfectly, but now he was defrosted they were clear for all to see; his right jaw was near black with the bruise spreading up the length of his face. The other side wasn't much better. Rey had never seen his eyes as dark as they were now, nothing more than black smudges surrounded by a thick shock of hair. Said eyes looked directly ahead, through her rather than at her.

In that moment, Rey felt the bottom of her stomach drop out.

“Who… did this to you?” Rey found herself asking, taking a step forward. He looked even more awful up close. Like he'd been…

He didn't reply, still staring out with his lips a tightly pressed line.

“He's not said anything,” Leia replied for her son. “Nothing past that I shouldn't touch him.”

She really had heard him earlier that day then. Maybe the bond was waking up now that he was?

Leia patted Rey's knee, rising to her feet with a low groan. “I'm going to get some food. Didn't want to run the risk of a guard hearing him. If he causes trouble… you know what to do.”

No, she really didn't. He was back to staring at the wall, so pathetic that in that moment, Rey couldn't fathom hurting him.  

Leia left.

 

Silence fell. A deep silence that left Rey wondering how best to fill it. She used it to look at the facts right in front of her; his clothes were not in great shape, ripped in places. She could see charred lines upon the fabric of his right arm, flesh exposed to the light. And that was what she could see from behind. Rey could only imagine what the front looked like.

What had happened to him, exactly-? Unless...

“They found out that you killed Snoke?” Rey asked quietly, eyes fixed upon the back of his shaggy head. Stars his hair needed a good wash and cut.

“Yes” was his short, curt reply.

“Serves you right for lying about it.”

He shifted slightly. “You should have taken my hand. This is _your_ fault.”

“Ha!” Rey scoffed in disbelief. The cheek of him-! “Don't try to pass off the blame onto me. It won't work. Whatever happened to you, it's your own fault Ben.”

“Go away, Rey.”

“No.” Rey rose to her feet, advancing on him. She steeled herself for the coming argument. Stars, why did they always have to argue? “First, I want to know why you've been hurting me. Is it revenge for me not taking your hand and joining you? Are you that petty?”

“I have no idea what you are talking about, “ Ben replied in a flat tone. It infuriated Rey how unapologetic he seemed to be. And now he was feigning innocence-?

Red began to cloud Rey's vision. She growled and stomped the rest of the distance, winding her fingers into dark and lank hair, pulling his head sharply back. “I want answers!” she hissed into his face, fingers trembling within his hair. “An explanation. Just… tell me why you hurt me, Ben! I tried to help you, to _save_ you!”

He closed his eyes, dark eyelashes brushing against his cheeks. He made no attempt to push her hand away. In fact, he didn't react at all to her manhandling of him.

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” Ben repeated monotonously.

“Yes you do!” Rey half-yelled, causing his head to shake a little where she held him fast. “You used that… that _bond_ between us! You used it to torture me!”

He still didn't speak.

That was.. odd.

“Just tell me,” Rey whispered, near begging. Her heart felt so painfully tight, like it might end up collapsing in on itself and form a black hole. “Tell me what I did to deserve all that. To torture me for nearly a year. Please, Ben. _Tell me.”_

Ben's eyes opened, gazing directly at her. Rey hated how much of an effect they had on her, so beautifully deep and dark like liquid midnight in the low light. It wasn't fair for a monster to be so very handsome.

“I can see you,” he said softly, blinking twice. “The Force. The light around your body like a halo. You're blinding. Beautiful.”

Rey's heart skipped a beat or two. “I don't want flattery, Ben. I want an explanation.”

Still he stared at her, making Rey feel uncomfortable. She noticed that there was stubble on his face now she was close enough to see, a black shadow mingling with the bruises. It made him look so much older, more weary too.

“I didn't hurt you,” Ben said with a little more force than before. “Now let me go.”

Rey's fingers slid from his hair. “I know it was you, Ben. I tried to connect with you this morning, to talk to you while you were in carbonite. And when I did, you lashed out at me. The same pain and your Force signature.”

“You're imagining things.”

“I am _not!”_ Rey bristled in fury. Could she throttle him already? “I _know_ it was you.”

In a flash, so quick that Rey didn't even have time to react, Ben was on his feet; he twisted around to face her, a snarl on his lips. “I never touched you! Why would I _want_ to? You are nothing more than a simpering child playing at being a Jedi! You are _nothing_ , and you'll _always_ be nothing!” he bellowed into her face, hands clenched into tight fists.

She had to leave. Had to get out of that tiny, stuffy room. Had to get away from _him._ Rey couldn't think past the awful, terrible pain his callous words had caused. Could a broken heart survive with this much pain in it?

Rey pushed her way past Leia as the door opened, tears burning in her eyes. She didn't stop walking, even when Leia called after her.

Some people were beyond saving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are the shizz.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos would be really super cool.


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